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Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my personal and work life. It irritates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that therapy might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or being seen, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and worry.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This journey will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.